LIES

“Thou shalt not bear false witness…”

Yeah, we all know it, we shouldn’t lie. Courts make us swear in before witnessing; being truthful is part of the wedding vows, but we still do it, don’t we? From telling a new mom with an baby who’s nose is bigger than her face, that her kid is adorable to coughing over the phone to one’s boss just to get a day of peace away from work, we tell lies. Some are harmless, some are detrimental, and yeah, some are fun.

I’m a storyteller; a writer, and an Irish woman – I can tell some really good lies. I’m not bragging nor condoning lying, but I feel the need to confess and tell some of my better “stories” I have convinced others to believe. There are two that are very specific in my mind and if you went to school with me, I am so very, very sorry.

All right, here’s the first one. Father forgive me, I have sinned…I was in the 6th grade. I didn’t have that many friends. I was quiet and shy and probably wanted attention, so I concocted this story about how Tony Danza was my mother’s brother. Yes, my almost 100% Boston, Irish mother’s New York, Italian brother. (I must have been desperate).20080706-whos-the-bossWho’s the Boss was a popular television show at the time and I loved it. I used to emulate Alyssa Milano and sometimes even call myself Samantha. I don’t remember how it came up, but I decided to try out calling Tony Danza my uncle. Some kids believed me, some didn’t, some had reservations, but I became the girl who was saying that I had famous uncle. I even went so far as to bring in a picture of my own uncle, my father’s brother – since my mother has all sisters, where he wasn’t facing the camera and call him “Uncle Tony”.

I carried this “story” until summer break and then told just a few very close friends that it wasn’t true. The hype eventually simmered  and by 7th grade no one cared. Still, though, I do get the very random person asking if it was true that Tony Danza was my uncle and I have to laugh and say, No, I was stupid kid.

My other huge whopper of a tale was later in high school, when my younger sisters were in middle school. There was this one girl-let’s call her Hannah, since I’m pretty sure she’s on my sister’s Facebook page somewhere- Hannah was this showy, pretentious, spoiled brat that gave my sisters hard times all the time. She would brag about her uncle, who was an actual actor-let’s call him Jack- and was in many different movies and television shows (still is for that matter). Hannah would go on and on about how she met this celebrity or that celebrity, and Uncle Jack this and that. We wanted to take her down a peg.

a13043358-25At the time, Uncle Jack happened to have a small part in the movie Far and Away, starring Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, who both lived in Connecticut about forty minutes from our hometown of Brookfield. So one day Hannah had gone on and on about Far and Away and Uncle Jack, that we decided to play with her and I call her pretending to be Nicole Kidman. Mind you this was before caller ID, so Hannah had zero clue who was actually calling her.

I have a pretty good knack for accents and put on my best Australian saying, “Hello, Hannah, it’s Nicole, your uncle gave me your phone number. Tom and malice_1993_3121687kI would love to invite  you to see the premiere of Far and Away with us in New York later this week.”
The poor, oblivious girl was excited and squealing. I think I even spoke with her mom too, who bought it, and I promised a limousine would pick her up on Friday at 7.

The next day, Hannah was bragging her little heart out to the whole school, especially to my sisters, sticking her haughty nose in the air about her call from Nicole Kidman. My sisters could only snicker in silence knowing not one word was true.

Now, we couldn’t go on letting Hannah think she was going to a movie premiere, so on Friday “Nicole” had a cold and said they were going to have postpone the premiere, thus ending the charade. I’m pretty sure my sisters told Hannah that it was me later on, but it certainly was fun. It might have taught the girl a lesson too, about what trouble one can get into bragging so much.

pinnochioSo those were my two favorite tales that I’ve spun in my lifetime. Tell me some of yours in the comments.

I’d love to hear the best lies, white lies, or long cons you’ve created in your lifetime. 

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